The Twelve Bleached Days of Christmas
by Sinian
Summary: The Shinigami Women Association is planning a Christmas Party and everyone has to sing... - hints at various pairings - Oneshot!


**Author:** Sinian  
**Rating:** PG  
**Pairing:** some, if you blink**  
Disclaimer:** They are not mine and I don't expect someone to give me money for this...  
**Spoilers:** none  
**Warning:** Crack, English is not my first language  
**Summary:** The Shinigami Women Association is planning a Christmas Party where eyeryone has to sing...

I had the idea for this when I came across the song "_The Twelve Days of Christmas_" in Shrek-style and I thought 'Why not write it in Bleach-style?'  
So, here we are. I hope you have fun and a Merry Christmas!

Oh, just as a short message to all of you who commented to my other stuff:  
Thank you so much!!! *bows*

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**The Twelve Bleached Days of Christmas**

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Now that the year is coming to an end and the merry time of Christmas is arriving, the Shinigami Women Association is planning the annual Christmas Party. Everyone is busy rushing around and from time to time running into each other, but the party was going to be a great success.

Afterwards nobody knew how they got blackma.. umm.. _talked_ into it, but as a special Christmas highlight the high ranking Shinigami agreed to sing a Christmas Carol.

So here we are at the first meeting for the rehearsals, where everyone is trying to find a spot at the very back of the room and melt into the wall. There was the shuffling of feet and a murmur within the rows of Shinigami when finally Nemu arrived with a baton and a huge stack of paper that she had them hand out and what turned out to be sheets of music.

"What the...," grumbled Kenpachi as he eyed the paper. "We're supposed to _sing_ this shit?"

A pink bolt zoomed across the room and leaped onto his shoulder. "But Ken-chan, you agreed to this as well. Don't be a spoilsport now!" Yachiru pouted and tugged at his hair.

Kenpachi sighed. "But if I don't get my rematch with Ichigo after we're done here, I'll hide away your candy."

"Sure thing, Ken-chan!" she giggled. "But you know that this is only a rehearsal and that you'll have to wait until the Christmas Party is over." With that she hopped off again and ran back to Nemu who apparently wanted to start.

"Who the hell came up with these lyrics?" Renji asked. "I mean, they're talking about turtle doves, golden rings and swans!" He crossed his arms and glared at everyone else. "I'm _not_ gonna sing of this shit!" Shouts of approval were audible from the crowd.

"Well, this is an old song and of course we're going to sing our own version of it," Rangiku assured them and the murmurs died down a little. "And to show you all how it is done, the Shinigami Women Association will sing the first few lines. All you have to do at first is to repeat after us." She looked around eagerly. "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever manage to be when _she_ is plotting such an event..."

Rangiku whipped around and her eyes zeroed in on the crowd. "Who was that?" But all she heard was the shuffling of many feet. "Well, never mind. Let's go!"

Nemu raised her baton and hummed a few notes then they began.

_On the first day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

Silence.

Rukia elbowed Ichigo in the ribs. "Baka, you have to begin, remember?"

"What? Oh, yeah." Ichigo scratched his head. "Can we start again?" Several Shinigami rolled their eyes but nobody dared to say something.

_On the first day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"A Hollow right inside of me." Ichigo finished.

Rukia slapped his head. "Great, you moron. Now _everyone_ knows."

_On the second day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Two icy glares," Rangiku sang and as predicted the temperature dropped by several degrees. Across the room a certain Taichou swore to himself that she'll have to pay for this.

_And a Hollow right inside of me._

_On the third day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Three bars of candy," Yachiru chirruped.

"Not if you don't keep your promise!" yelled Kenpachi.

That earned him a disdainful look by Byakuya who was standing right next to him. "The less you argue with them, the faster we can get out of here."

"Well, who asked you, Kuchiki?" he growled.

"Shut up, Ken-chan!" Yachiru called across the room.

Kenpachi wanted nothing more in this moment than to wipe that cocky little smile off of Byakuyas face, but had to admit that he was right. So, he grumbled but kept quiet.

_Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the fourth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Four Chappy T-shirts."

"What else," Renji muttered and got a nod in agreement from Ichigo. Sadly for both of them Rukia saw that and both Shinigami had to bite their lips as she kicked them in the shin.

_Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the fifth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees!" Kenpachi had decided to get it over as soon as possible. Byakuya next to him had to fight the overwhelming urge to knock some sense into his head.

"I don't want to hear a single one of them!" mumbled Ichigo.

_Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the sixth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Six scary eyeballs," someone sang in an emotionless voice.

For a moment, there was an absolute silence while everyone tried to figure out who had that been. Then the Shinigami saw the motionless figure in their middle, who was dressed in white and looked as comfortable as he would be in his rooms back in Las Noches.

Ulquiorra was quite satisfied. The rehearsal session of the Shinigamis sad excuses at singing a Christmas Carol would be a great movie for their own Christmas party in Hueco Mundo and he was sure that the dumbstruck faces would be most amusing for Gin. With a quick movement he took his eye out and let it float above the stunned crowd. Then he flashed away in the blink of an eye.

"Damn, who had let this guy in here?"

"It doesn't matter now, he is gone. But we have our line nevertheless. Even though it is a bit strange."

_Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the seventh day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

Renji and Shuuhei looked at each other. "Seven new tattoos!"

Shuuhei ignored the eyerolling and leaned close to whisper "I really do have a new one. Care to find out later?" into Renjis ear.

"You can bet on it!" he replied and brushed Shuuheis ear with his lips what made them both shiver in anticipation.

_Six scary eyeballs,  
Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the eighth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Eight lazy bums."

"Oohh, Nanao-chan, that was mean of you." Shunsui whined but all he got were a few sympathetic glances.

_Seven new tattoos,  
Six scary eyeballs,  
Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the ninth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Nine medicine bottles," Juushiro sang in a resonant voice that had everyone startled. "What?" He looked around. "I can always use some of them."

"Nothing, Taichou. But... you really have a wonderful singing voice."

"Thank you." Juushiro beamed. "Shall we go on?"

_Eight lazy bums,  
Seven new tattoos,  
Six scary eyeballs,  
Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the tenth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Ten years of practice."

Ichigos head whipped around as he shot his best glare at Byakuya. "And what the hell is _that_ supposed to mean, huh?!"

Byakuya inwardly grinned. He really likes to get under Ichigos skin, but judging by the fire in his eyes, he'll have one hell to pay up later for that. But a steamed up Ichigo is always a guarantee for lots of fun, especially when the two of them were alone.

Meanwhile a little roll of money stealthily changed hands between Rangiku and Rukia. "Told you, he'll sing."

_Nine medicine bottles,  
Eight lazy bums,  
Seven new tattoos,  
Six scary eyeballs,  
Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the eleventh day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Eleven cute puppies," Komamura sang in a deep voice.

Yachiru zoomed across the room. "Ne, ne, Taichou, where are those puppies?" she asked with gleaming eyes, "I wanna see them, too!"

Nanao came over and plucked her off of the irritated Captain. "Yachiru, that is just a line in our song, you know?" But secretly she wondered just how many of those were true...

_Ten years of practice,  
Nine medicine bottles,  
Eight lazy bums,  
Seven new tattoos,  
Six scary eyeballs,  
Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_On the twelfth day of Christmas,  
my true love sent to me..._

"Twelve little ninjas," a smoky voice sang from one of the windowsills.

The next moment though, the owner of the voice was knocked over and out of the window by a blur that they recognized as Soi Fon who screamed "Yoruichi-samaaa!"

There was an awkward silence when finally someone cleared his throat and the remaining Shinigami finished the last part of the song.

_Eleven cute puppies,  
Ten years of practice,  
Nine medicine bottles,  
Eight lazy bums,  
Seven new tattoos,  
Six scary eyeballs,  
Fiiiive baaaattle criiiieeees,  
Four Chappy T-shirts,  
Three bars of candy,  
Two icy glares,  
And a hollow right inside of me._

_And a hoooollooo~oooow right inside of meeeeeeeeeeeee. _

A few seconds passed, then everyone scrambled out of the room as fast as they could. Only the members of the Shinigami Women Association remained who suddenly began to grin.

"Well, that was better than I thought," Nanao said and adjusted her glasses.

"But I doubt we'll be able to get them to sing again at the party." Rangiku flicked her hair back and turned to face Nemu. "So, do you think you'd be able to make that film?"

"Of course," she replied. "I have installed four different cameras in this room and recorded the whole rehearsal. Give me a few hours."

"Great!" Rukia rubbed her hands. "Well, there's still a lot to do, we'd better get going. Who wants to help me with the life-sized dolls of the Top Ten Hottest-Shinigami-Men? If we want to make a good price at the auction they have to be perfect."

And so the members of the Shinigami Women Association continued in their preparations for the party. We hope to get that video as soon as possible to share with you, but we're still negotiating with Nemu.

Until then we wish a wonderful Christmas to all of you out there and let's spread the Bleach love!

Cheers!

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Thanks for reading!


End file.
